gods of the pharmacy

Finally, sweet relief!

We crow our victory to the car roof the entire way back home.

Big Pharma giveth and Big Pharma taketh away both, but for now it gives us boons of focus, attention, and intention for us to dole out to our tasks like forgiveness.

To make us believe there is something better here for us, under our very noses. / The clues all around and visible too /

a thin white border around the shape of each one / video game select screen / and the stat bars float to the left when i hover over one.

I haven’t been eating well. Or taking care of myself, for that matter, in general. I keep having dreams I can’t remember.

I keep having dreams I can’t reach.

Today, however, is a good day, because I have the magic do-things potion tablet. 20mg instant release ritalin down the hatch / let’s fucking gooooooo

Something so excited about being able for an hour or two, something so devastating about the addiction to the high, but damn it—

Can’t I just have this?

I make art to breathe, but I can’t make art if I’m not breathing, which makes sense despite the narrative tension / the flip side where I’m very much not breathing / where I’m very much not making art / all of which is true as well.

Balancing on the tightrope: my sanity.

To the left of us: destruction; to the right— destruction, too.

From the perspective of those on the ground, why not simply keep walking? The tightrope extends forward in front of and backwards behind me, an infinite line in either direction. Just one foot in front of the other, they tell me, as if it were easy.

Don’t you understand? I want to shout at them. I don’t want to crawl through this life on my hands and knees, begging for it to be over. I want to dance! I want to sing! I want to live!

I try to tell them this, but everyone is too far away / the potential of falling too high / and no one manages to hear what i say / through the empty space between our bodies either way.