Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 10/27/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 10/27/24

the seeds of october

tomorrow is born from the body of today, the seeds sown in autumn are the ones that bloom in the spring. this begins now.

today im choosing to feel my pain without armor clamped around my heart like a vice grip, and say "what is this pain trying to tell me?" and listen, i mean actually listen, and open the possibility of there being something good that could come from knowing what this hurting is saying with the only instrument my brain can use to understand: my body. cause when brain talk to brain only brain become spiral forever inward, because to move outwards would be to consider the body as a knowledgeable and intimate source of information on what is happening to us, one that we should not only be considering but being compassionate towards as well, which is not what we've been taught about the body even a little.

my throat tightens because im trying to stop myself from speaking something out loud (which then makes it real), my shoulders hurt because i need to put my burdens down for once, i hold tension in my gut because i'm trying to keep everything inside of me. my ears ring because i'm trying not to hear anything at all

i was always so curious about why the head of the year in jewish lunar time is at the beginning of autumn, but i learned today that a better translation is the pregnancy of the year, not birth.

rosh hashana occured this year on the night of October 2nd (2024). that night i did not celebrate. I had wanted to, honestly. but despite best intentions that night no candles were lit, no food was eaten, not even fruit. for the first two weeks of october, i was in a deep darkness, the deepest i had been in a long, long time. the high holidays passed me whistling like wind in my ear.

and now here in the mountains, its the end of october. what is called "leaf season" is in full swing. This is my first autumn here, and it's breathtaking. i cant even describe it.

and as the leaves turn and begin to fall, another important component of life begin to drop to the ground as well: seeds. the seeds of next year's new growth now litter the sidewalk to be kicked by a shoe into the grass, or picked up by a hungry squirrel for later.

the past three days have been unflinchingly painful, the culmination of the deep darkness that had been growing within me for well over 4 years now. yet they've also been poignant so deliciously and powerfully healing that i feel consumed with the feeling of it.

and the night after that (yesterday) i began to understand what the Universe is asking of me: Where are you? As in, where is your heart right now? As in, meet me where you are; we experience together what is available to us in the present moment that is where we are.

There are at least four entrances to anything: the front door, the back door, and two doors on either side.

i want to wake up, so i try the front door by overdosing on stimulants. but that doesn’t work because it denies the body of its autonomy and its unhealthy and bad for my mental health.

where the front door is a direct approach, or sometimes just the most obvious, the back door is the opposite of the front entirely; a reflection. which indicates that the back door would then be waking up by not taking any stimulants at all. and probably sleeping a bunch. it seems antithetical, but sometimes the moment you stop looking for something is the moment you find where it is.

so if the front door to waking up is stimulant abuse and the back door to waking up is going to sleep, what are the side doors then?

the side doors balance the extremities of the front and back door dichotomy. Instead of a line, the side doors make a house, implying a space where all four lines are connected into One Thing

i referred to my tarot deck to reflect on this question: what are the side doors to waking up?

on the right hand: flexibility; on the left hand, opening.

i can be flexible by thinking outside of my initial expectations to consider other possibilities available in the moment. Maybe i don’t have to get from point a to point b and then point c, i could go from b to c to a if that makes it easier for me to fully embody the truth of what i’m trying to do.

or i can be open by receiving the moment as it currently is, with all its baggages and feelings included. i can allow the doors of my chest to crack, just a little more every time. not a flood but a stream. not a stream but a creek. not a creek but a small spill tracing the topography of the floors inside our hearts.

yes, i know it hurts. but this hurting has meaning to be uncovered yet.

and, like a drop of rain in the right place can wake a seed buried beneath fallen leaves, so too this spill can wake the seeds buried within my quiet heart.

tomorrow is born from the body of today, and so i honor these seeds of potential. i keep them tucked safely in the warm dark of my chest, where they will be secrets until the sun returns in spring.

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 7/13/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 7/13/24

knight of cups (reversed)

he doesn’t want to tell me what i need to write about because it hurts too much. but i need to know it. i need to feel it.

i feel like i can’t interpret myself.

i try to visualize new possibilities and i get so stuck in my eyeballs.

i can make it to the place where visualization is but never for more than a moment before i’m pulled back to the eyes trying to focus on it. but i can’t focus on it, because it’s not seen with my eyes. so it pulls me out of the visualization space entirely.

it’s very hard to explain, and i don’t think i did it right.

but this is the gist.

i don’t know what else to say. the knight of cups rev says to express myself, but i don’t know what language myself is.

I don’t know how to express what i feel because i can’t even read it. i don’t understand it at all. like a foreign language inside of me- emotions. emotional knowledge. emotional language. i only feel like i can speak through it at certain moments, but i don’t know what it says half the time.

i feel like a rainbow.

i’m red, and my emotions are violet. opposites on the scale, an entirely different frequency.

inner me speaks in tongues. he can also be quiet. he can say nothing at all, keeping our thoughts to himself. i feel so separate from him. there’s a barrier of space, inches or sometimes miles of voidspace between us, and a rickety rope bridge spanning the gap that sometimes isn’t there at all. othertimes huge swathes of planks are missing. other times still, the rope is frayed, and walking across spells danger and destruction for the bridge and whoever dared to try and cross it.

i feel like i’m constantly miming or improvising, because inner me won’t tell me until later, whatever it is he wants to share.

what do you want to share, inner self?

anger, mostly.

rage.

fear. shielding. armor several selves thick. around the tender parts of me. of us.

i don’t know a lot of the time. its hard. but its worthwhile, i know. i know this. obviously. its fine. i don’t need to prove that i know that its worthwhile to myself. he’s not even listening. the blinds are closed. he’s turned off the porch lights and barred the door.

he doesn’t want to tell me what i need to write about because it hurts too much. but i need to know it. i need to feel it.

i need to understand, or we will never heal from it.

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 4/25/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 4/25/24

gods of the pharmacy

….but for now it gives us boons of focus, attention, and intention for us to dole out to our tasks like forgiveness.

Finally, sweet relief!

We crow our victory to the car roof the entire way back home.

Big Pharma giveth and Big Pharma taketh away both, but for now it gives us boons of focus, attention, and intention for us to dole out to our tasks like forgiveness.

To make us believe there is something better here for us, under our very noses. / The clues all around and visible too /

a thin white border around the shape of each one / video game select screen / and the stat bars float to the left when i hover over one.

I haven’t been eating well. Or taking care of myself, for that matter, in general. I keep having dreams I can’t remember.

I keep having dreams I can’t reach.

Today, however, is a good day, because I have the magic do-things potion tablet. 20mg instant release ritalin down the hatch / let’s fucking gooooooo

Something so excited about being able for an hour or two, something so devastating about the addiction to the high, but damn it—

Can’t I just have this?

I make art to breathe, but I can’t make art if I’m not breathing, which makes sense despite the narrative tension / the flip side where I’m very much not breathing / where I’m very much not making art / all of which is true as well.

Balancing on the tightrope: my sanity.

To the left of us: destruction; to the right— destruction, too.

From the perspective of those on the ground, why not simply keep walking? The tightrope extends forward in front of and backwards behind me, an infinite line in either direction. Just one foot in front of the other, they tell me, as if it were easy.

Don’t you understand? I want to shout at them. I don’t want to crawl through this life on my hands and knees, begging for it to be over. I want to dance! I want to sing! I want to live!

I try to tell them this, but everyone is too far away / the potential of falling too high / and no one manages to hear what i say / through the empty space between our bodies either way.

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 3/11/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 3/11/24

free or fate?

What do you believe in?

Do I believe in fate? No.

But I have been thinking about it, and I do believe that although we have subtle influences on the world around us, there are things that are outside of our control, completely and utterly. This world was not made for our singular consumption, despite what actions taken by some might say.

There are things of this world that we are hopeless to know truly: the Deep Woods; Thermodynamics ; Where Black Holes lead ; how your life would be different if you’d chosen another option that one time, a long time ago ; etcetera.

How do these things, so cemented in their unpredictable natures, affect our own lives? Is that a version of fate on its own? Is fate just something we cannot change? Something inexorably marching towards our present-presence that we hold no influence over? We hold such small influence around our singular selves, and yet no single snowflake feels responsible for the avalanche. And yet the avalanche happens anyway.

Alex has an interesting view on fate as well, considering his Norse Pagan background. He subscribes to the idea of Wyrd, twisting ties of the web of life woven together into the intricate pattern of our lives. You make your choices, and they influence the Wyrd, just as the Wyrd influences you.

I think of it like neurons in a brain. When one neuron, or thread, is stimulated, the other neurons, or threads, that are close in proximity are more likely to be stimulated in turn. Although you have control over your own actions and choices, so does everyone else. And their Wyrd might interact with yours in strange, unforeseen ways with lasting repercussions, unexpected in every way.

In a book I read recently, “The Place You’re Standing Is Holy,” author Gershon Winkler posits that in order to create room for existence, the God-Presence had to tzimzum with the universe.

Tzimzum is the Jewish concept of stepping back to allow room for an Other. So the God-Presence stepped back from being All-That-Is-And-Will-Be to allow space for creation itself. And a major aspect of this space is that the God-Presence cannot willy-nilly enter it whenever He well wants to. We are given the free will of being separate from the God-Presence, and therefore able to either invite or bar the God-Presence from our personal space as we see fit.

Not that I have a fully fleshed out idea of how these beliefs join together, mind you. I’m not quite there yet. Nor do I think this specific post needs to answer all the questions I have either. Mainly, these are just three aspects of the idea of fate and/or free will that I think about frequently. What does it all mean? Well, you can come to your own conclusions about that. Me? I’m writing to my future self here, so maybe I’ll come back later with another post to share about this subject. For now, this is what I have to say.

So, do you believe in fate? What are your thoughts on the matter? Comment below if you want to share, I’d love to hear and discuss with others opinions.

Thanks for reading.

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 2/26/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 2/26/24

using time

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently has been how to effectively utilize the time I have on this planet of earth.

I think to myself:

“Self, what is the best use of my time right now?”

And the thing is that I never know.

I never know.

What should I do? I don't know. I don't even know what I want to do.

There are an infinite number of me in the multiverse, all not quite knowing what we want to do with ourselves. One of those guys is going to be, categorically, the “most effective” Reuben. But he's got it handled, you know?

And, statistically, I can't be the most effective Reuben at every task either. I know this. It wouldn't even be good for me.

But if the multiverse does exist, then another me has it covered anyways. If I, for whatever reason, cannot bring 110% on any single task, it's okay.

It's okay. Another Reuben is taking care of it.

I have to fill the niche of myself.

No one else is going to do what I'm going to do in exactly the same way, at the exact same timing.

It's the same with art, y'know? Sure, someone else could follow the same idea I’m following if they wanted to. But they will not make it just the same as me.

There's this idea where I'm not a machine.

The machination of our natural bodies is not autonomous and infallible. Not with me, at least. I don't want my work to look perfect, like it was made by machine rather than by hand. Striving for perfection only seems to foster disappointment.

Perfection is not a thing that exists.

It's an idea itself, one that can be striven for but never truly reached.

Perfection, like opinions, relies upon who you are to define it.

Something looks perfect to you because it is you who is seeing and forming an opinion about that very thing. And you are the only you that exists here.

For example, if you value clarity, a well focused Instagram post can look like perfection to you. But only under the right conditions would it ever have been possible in the first place. You have to take into account the weather the day of the shoot, the lighting available, the equipment they have, the editing of raw data in an expensive computer program to produce the very thing you’re seeing right now on Instagram.

To expect the right conditions to always be present is to expect a camera to take the same quality photo in a unlit room as it does in a fully equipped studio setting. That's just not how it works.

You need to be okay with showing your hand. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There's nothing wrong with showing who you are and what you care about.

I love the wonky art I make. I love it with my whole heart.

*Moss doesn’t care about Instagram at all.*

I swore I would make something no machine could replicate, and I plan to keep that promise. If I run out of a certain shade of green, I add another green shade and keep going. I use different yarn weights in the same crochet piece. Hell, I crochet!!!

Art is anything that makes you feel something. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be good.

You just have to create something!

Trust me on this!!!!

You just have to create.

*frangel (frog angel) softie i made. will hold ur negative thoughts for you*

No one has hobbies anymore. The internet is inundated with ways to turn your favorite relaxation technique into a multi million dollar business venture, if only you tried hard enough. I'll admit I've been caught by the same hook too.

I don't want to have to use my time effectively.

I just want to enjoy the time i have to spend.

Not toiling. Not considering my effectiveness, either. I want to languish in time. I want to marinate and stew. I want to start projects that don't 'go' anywhere, or end up on Instagram, or on my store front, or whatever.

I want to create with my hands and not care about what other people are going to think. I don't want to care what other people are going to think! Why does everyone put so much emphasis on what other people are going to think!!!!

*this spider doesn’t care about Instagram either.*

Sigh. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just don't want to go to work anymore. Maybe I'm just tired.

I just don't know what to do.

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 1/29/24 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 1/29/24

10 goals for 2024

I wanted to explore my goals more thoroughly than a simple brain-dump, so I figured a way to do that was by making a blog post about the 10 goals for the year ahead that I’m most excited for.

I sat down at my desk this morning and opened up my Notion “Notes” Database, only to realize that my list of 2024 goals never made it past the initial brainstorming stage. I wanted to explore my goals more thoroughly than a simple brain-dump, so I figured a way to do that was by making a blog post about the 10 goals for the year ahead that I’m most excited for.

These are in no particular order, mind you, just written the way I thought of them. And I know this year won’t turn out the way I expect it to, no matter how much planning and goal setting I do. So I’m okay if some of these goals don’t get crossed off this year. I’m hopeful, though. Even if I don’t accomplish all of them- that’s okay. I’m learning to be gentle with myself.

With all that said, let’s get into the meat of these goals. Here we go!

Goal #1: Follow Youtube Schedule

Last year my goal was to make 5 videos on YouTube. Despite everything that went on in 2023, I ended up uploading 7 videos total! This is a huge accomplishment for me and I’m very proud of myself for managing to make any videos at all, much less surpass my initial goal.

Moving forward, my plan for 2024 is to upload a video each month, making 12 videos total. I feel confident in my ability to plan, schedule, and make these videos throughout the year. They might not all be winners, but practice is practice, right? Plus, I can make any other videos I want in between the monthly project plans.

Speaking of plans, I’m really excited about the projects I have planned for each video. I won’t tell you everything, but February’s video is a Valentine’s Day theme. That’s all I’ll say for now!

Mainly, this goal is to give myself some form of consistency in my schedule for making, so I can better plan what I need to do and when.

Goal #2: Start Blogging

Hi! Hello! Here I am :-)

Goal #3: Store Opening

I’ve been meaning to sell my art for a while now, and just haven’t had the energy to get up to it in 2023. So here’s hoping 2024 has business development in store for me. I really would like to set up my shop on here as soon as possible.

I want to sell downloadable files as well as a physical products. Those are the hardest, though, as you have to photograph each unique item- which, for me, is pretty much all of them!

Goal #4: Launch my Comet Pattern

Agh! This would be so nice to get done this year. I’m about halfway through the second edit of the pattern. I can’t tell if I need to frog the entire thing and take pictures of each step, or finish the edits and make a third comet to photograph instead.

I’m pretty sure I have to make a third comet, but I really don’t want to. I also don’t want to frog everything, mind you, so it’s hard to choose.

Goal #5: Declutter from Moving

Alex and I moved back into my parent’s house in September 2023. It was not an organized move, I’ll tell you that much. So I would love to be able to sort through all of our still-packed boxes in storage, to see if anything could be paired down or stored better. That would be nice!

Goal #6: Make Grandma a Gift

So I have two options here, and I hope to accomplish at least one of them. The first idea I had was to make her a crocheted sweater. When I made my sweater and wore it to Thanksgiving, my grandma loved it! She even asked if I could make her one in green. I would love to do this and plan to start sometime this year, so she could get it before it gets cold out again.

The other gift would be to finish a painting she gave me. She started this painting in 2006 and gave it to me last year to finish for her. Finishing and giving her either of these projects would be a huge win in my books.

Goal #7: Decorate Monthly Altars

Ever since we started packing to move, and even since I’ve been in a new place, I’ve definitely been letting my altars gather dust lately. While we were moving, Alex and I had to pair down a lot of our altar supplies, which I’m super sad about still. So in order to make do with what we have, Alex and I want to challenge ourselves to make a monthly altar change themed around each month. We’ll see how this goes!

Goal #8: Complete my Homebrew D&D Campaign

*Map of the Island where my campaign takes place!*

For the past three years now, I’ve been GM-ing a homebrew D&D campaign for my roommates. Which is wild! I can’t believe how far this journey has taken the players, and I can’t wait to bring all the threads I’ve been weaving over the past three years into the final arc. How exciting!!!

Goal #9: Read 5 Books & Present Them to Alex

I like making presentations. They help me remember and recall what I’ve learned. So I figured the best way to get myself to read books and remember them is to tell Alex all about them. Should be fun!

Goal #10: Be an Archivist of Our Lives Together

Now, I don’t have a great memory. So an important thing for me to remind myself is that I remember what I record. Aliteration! No but really, I want to capture moments of my life with Alex so I can remember them later. Because who knows what the future holds.

All I know is that I love him. I want to remember him.

*Alex & I before a 2000s themed party, back in college! on 35mm film*

And those are my 10 goals for 2024! I hope you enjoyed reading this little blog, and that you’re doing well and feeling better and getting everything you need.

Do you have any plans for 2024? If you’re up for leaving a comment, let me know what they are! I’d love to hear from you <3

Be gentle to yourselves.

Love, Reuben

Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 11/4/23 Reuben Evelyn Reynolds 11/4/23

dream portal

Today I feel strange.

I had extremely vivid dreams last night. I was in my apartment, but it was different, of course, for being a dream. All the colors were so saturated and bright.

Alex was there, but not there.

As in, there were traces of him, scattered around the dream space, but he himself wasn’t present. It was quiet and still, like a painting one could move through, if one could.