using time

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently has been how to effectively utilize the time I have on this planet of earth.

I think to myself:

“Self, what is the best use of my time right now?”

And the thing is that I never know.

I never know.

What should I do? I don't know. I don't even know what I want to do.

behind the house

There are an infinite number of me in the multiverse, all not quite knowing what we want to do with ourselves. One of those guys is going to be, categorically, the “most effective” Reuben. But he's got it handled, you know?

And, statistically, I can't be the most effective Reuben at every task either. I know this. It wouldn't even be good for me.

But if the multiverse does exist, then another me has it covered anyways. If I, for whatever reason, cannot bring 110% on any single task, it's okay.

It's okay. Another Reuben is taking care of it.

I have to fill the niche of myself.

No one else is going to do what I'm going to do in exactly the same way, at the exact same timing.

It's the same with art, y'know? Sure, someone else could follow the same idea I’m following if they wanted to. But they will not make it just the same as me.

a dreamy and liminal foggy day

There's this idea where I'm not a machine.

The machination of our natural bodies is not autonomous and infallible. Not with me, at least. I don't want my work to look perfect, like it was made by machine rather than by hand. Striving for perfection only seems to foster disappointment.

Perfection is not a thing that exists.

It's an idea itself, one that can be striven for but never truly reached.

Perfection, like opinions, relies upon who you are to define it.

Something looks perfect to you because it is you who is seeing and forming an opinion about that very thing. And you are the only you that exists here.

For example, if you value clarity, a well focused Instagram post can look like perfection to you. But only under the right conditions would it ever have been possible in the first place. You have to take into account the weather the day of the shoot, the lighting available, the equipment they have, the editing of raw data in an expensive computer program to produce the very thing you’re seeing right now on Instagram.

To expect the right conditions to always be present is to expect a camera to take the same quality photo in a unlit room as it does in a fully equipped studio setting. That's just not how it works.

puffball mushrooms in the woods

You need to be okay with showing your hand. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There's nothing wrong with showing who you are and what you care about.

I love the wonky art I make. I love it with my whole heart.

Moss doesn’t care about Instagram at all.

I swore I would make something no machine could replicate, and I plan to keep that promise. If I run out of a certain shade of green, I add another green shade and keep going. I use different yarn weights in the same crochet piece. Hell, I crochet!!!

Art is anything that makes you feel something. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be good.

You just have to create something!

Trust me on this!!!!

You just have to create.

frangel (frog angel) softie i made. will hold ur negative thoughts for you

No one has hobbies anymore. The internet is inundated with ways to turn your favorite relaxation technique into a multi million dollar business venture, if only you tried hard enough. I'll admit I've been caught by the same hook too.

I don't want to have to use my time effectively.

I just want to enjoy the time i have to spend.

Not toiling. Not considering my effectiveness, either. I want to languish in time. I want to marinate and stew. I want to start projects that don't 'go' anywhere, or end up on Instagram, or on my store front, or whatever.

I want to create with my hands and not care about what other people are going to think. I don't want to care what other people are going to think! Why does everyone put so much emphasis on what other people are going to think!!!!

this spider doesn’t care about Instagram either.

Sigh. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just don't want to go to work anymore. Maybe I'm just tired.

I just don't know what to do.